Footprints In The Custard – ‘The Fanny Pee’ EP review

Band: Footprints In The Custard
EP: The Fanny Pee
Release Date: 20th September, 2017
Label: Self Released



Review by John

On their latest EP, the incomparable Footprints In The Custard take us on a slightly different journey, into the twisted psyche of their fans. Each of the seven songs on the EP were written to order, with fans getting the opportunity to suggest a topic for each song as part of the pledge campaign for their previous album.

It could have been a disaster. Fortunately, it’s a triumph.

‘Snaggy Bob The Beekeeper’ is, shockingly, a song about Bob. Who keeps bees. It’s a jaunty, bouncy number with a catchy chorus that gets things off to a nice start. I have noidea who Bob is, but he seems to have lived one hell of a life.

Next up is the infectious sound of ‘Willies Are For Weeing’, a brave, almost political statement, attempting to reclaim the humble penis from the sexual world and remind us all of its primary purpose. Deliciously rude and with a hook that will stay in your head for longer than is probably advisable, ‘Willies Are For Weeing’ is a timely reminder of just how fun music can be, and if it doesn’t become a live favourite then I will eat my 1980s vintage willy warmer.

The man. The myth. The legend. If you were lucky enough to catch the unforgettable live debut of The Paul Taylor Experience at Sophiefest last year then ‘The Paul Taylor Experience’ will bring back some happy (or possibly traumatic if truth be told) memories of that hallowed performance. If you were not lucky enough to experience it then this track will give you no indication whatsoever of what his live show is like. Taking an almost power metal direction was definitely the correct decision for this track, as it is truly the only way to accurately depict his utter Godlike status. Featuring some outstanding musicianship, if the epic sound of ‘The Paul Taylor Experience’ doesn’t make you want to get out there and experience the experience then you may need to have a good hard look at your priorities. If Manowar wrote about men in dresses and David Hasselhoff masks playing slidewhistles, then this is what they would sound like.

‘Gail Platter (Ready, Steady, Fuck)’ tells the tale of one of the biggest cover ups in show-business history, the legendary tale of the time a popular TV chef with an unhealthy obsession with rubbing meat, met up with a Manchester based soap star for a night of lewd sex acts, which culminated in him murdering, cooking and eating her. The band go ultra heavy here, and, for a tale this dark and twisted, it was the only way to go. Featuring some deliciously nasty (yet utterly hilarious) lyrical content, it’s another corker.
As the title suggests, ‘Dick Pics’ is an upbeat number about the current social trend among all the cool kids. Who among us hasn’t been either the sender or recipient of a drunken and unsolicited picture of that most private of parts (which, as we learned on Track 2, is given a pretty rough ride in the image stakes)?Again, the brilliance of the lyrics shines through, and it’s impossible to keep a straight face while listening.

‘Sexual Harrisment’ is a song that, unusually for a band never afraid to break taboos, comes with a disclaimer. Covering the somewhat delicate topic of the Operation Yewtree enquiries, whilst still managing to raise a chuckle was never going to be easy. But the band manage it by (as they point out in the disclaimer) poking fun at the offender rather than the offence itself, focusing on the fact that, during their heyday, they thought of themselves as untouchable, which fuelled their heinous activities.While some of the lyrics do sail undeniably close to the wind, it once again both entertains and amuses. And whilst you will initially feel a sense of guilt about finding humour in such an undeniably horrific subject, the more you listen, the clearer it becomes that the band have actually somehow managed to cover it in a subtle way that never descends into tastelessness, and for that, they deserve a fair amount of credit. Although the wobbleboard section is truly disturbing!

There is no such subtlety employed on the final track, ‘Battlemuff’. An epic viking metal anthem, ‘Battlemuff’ relates the legend of a fair maiden with a magnificent but terrible, erm, how do I put this? Lady part. Yes. We’ll go with “Lady part”.With yet more lyrics of total lunatic genius (imagine Amon Amarth writing an album after a 48 hour pornhub binge), and real maturity in the musical department, it’s a brilliant way to finish an EP where the quality never lets up from start to finish.

The band’s last album ‘The Descent Of Decency’ saw them take a massive leap forward in almost every aspect of their music, and ‘The Fanny Pee’ continues their impressive progress. It is also a release that is impossible to listen to without grinning like an absolute idiot (as the strange looks I have received on my daily rail journey have proved).
I’ve deliberately avoided quoting any specific lyrics here, as part of the joy is in hearing them for yourself. But, take my word for it, they are truly majestic poetry. Proving once again that music can be pure, unadulterated fun, if you like your music heavy and your humour risque, then ‘The Fanny Pee’ needs to take pride of place in your collection.

A veritable golden shower of future classics.




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